Why do so many people feel lonely in a world that has never been more connected? On this episode of The Branch, Pastor Matthew Johnson is joined by Pastor Chris Reed and Pastor Anthony Lombardi for a conversation about loneliness, something affecting a majority of people in our country. Together they look at what Scripture says about how we were designed and what real relationship looks like.
Uncomfortable Social Settings
Pastor Matthew opens with a lighter question. What social dynamics make you the most uncomfortable? Pastor Chris says large groups of people he does not know. If he were invited to a party where he knew no one, there is no chance he would go. Pastor Anthony says that has become more of a nightmare the older he gets, as his circle gets smaller. He also names eating out with someone who is nitpicky and never satisfied, and being in a social setting where a couple is clearly in the middle of a fight.Pastor Matthew laughs that he understands older people better every year. His dad was fashionable his whole life, then eventually wore jeans and a black shirt every day. Pastor Matthew has decided he will never again eat food he does not like. What makes him most uncomfortable is watching people embarrass themselves without realizing it. He once ended up at a local talent show, and his secondhand embarrassment was so strong he stared at the ground the whole time. He also admits that overly emotional moments make him shut down.
The Relationships We Need Most
Then Pastor Matthew asks a more serious question. What relationships do you need most to be the healthiest version of yourself? Pastor Chris names his wife, Cassie. She knows how he thinks, when he is functional and when he is not, and she helps him process. He also names close friends, like Brandon and the two pastors in the room, who have permission to ask if he is okay.Pastor Anthony agrees that for married people, the spouse comes first. When that relationship is not good, nothing feels good, and when it is healthy, it brings great support. He also values friends who cover the whole spectrum, people you can laugh and trade memes with, and also get vulnerable and talk about Jesus with.Pastor Matthew says everything in his life flows from his relationship with his wife, Pastor Mary Johnson. He also needs friendships where he can disconnect from being a pastor. Most of his close friends work at the church, but when he goes out with his brother Chris, they are just brothers. With his friend Pastor Tim Moore, who leads another church, neither of them is a lead pastor when they hang out. He adds that he connected so well with Pastor Anthony partly because Pastor Anthony had been a lead pastor for years and understood without explanation.
An Epidemic of Loneliness
Pastor Matthew explains that he heard pastor Matt Chandler talk about a 2023 advisory from the Surgeon General at the time, Dr. Vivek Murthy, which described an epidemic of loneliness in our country. According to the advisory, about one in two adults reported experiencing loneliness, even before COVID-19. Only 39 percent of adults said they felt very connected to others emotionally. Loneliness was associated with a 26 percent higher risk of premature death, and social isolation with a 29 percent higher risk. Lacking social connection carried a risk comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Poor social relationships were also linked to a higher risk of heart disease and stroke.Pastor Matthew notes that the church is in a series on evangelism and connecting with people, and that one of the church's values is purposed relationships. So he wants to look at loneliness both biblically and socially.
Designed for Relationship
Pastor Matthew points out that God intentionally made Adam incomplete. In a perfect creation, God still said it was not good for him to be alone. God himself exists in relationship as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. What does that show us about how we are designed?Pastor Chris says bearing the image of God means bearing the image of a relational God. Within the Trinity, there is life and love that flourishes in relationship, and God pours that into human beings. Every part of the calling God gave Adam and Eve required both of them. God could have designed humans to simply function, but he wanted us to experience the same kind of love he has within himself, with each other and with him.Pastor Anthony notes that Genesis 1 and Genesis 2 give two perspectives on the same creation. Genesis 1 simply says God made them male and female, but Genesis 2 slows down and gives special attention to God bringing Eve to Adam. He believes the author did that to show that "God intended human beings to be in relationship not only with himself but also with one another." So the loneliness statistics should not shock us. When people are placed in isolation, it opposes the way God created us to flourish. He points to the survival show Alone, where some contestants left not because they could not survive physically, but because they could not bear being by themselves anymore.Pastor Matthew adds that our culture often treats the person who can stand being alone as the strong one, as if needing people is weakness. But that is not how we were designed. He notes that after the fall in Genesis 3, tension entered every relationship. If we needed relationships before, we need them even more in a broken world. Pastor Chris adds the flip side. Brokenness also pushes us toward isolation, because relationships can hurt.
Connected but Still Lonely
Pastor Chris asks why loneliness still exists when we have more ways to connect than ever. Pastor Anthony says many of our relationships are transactional, a means to an end. We brush shoulders with people to get our work done without seeing them as made in the image of God. Social media makes us feel connected because we can see glimpses of everyone's life, but that is not the same as truly knowing someone, sharing meals, and being embedded in their life.Pastor Matthew agrees that social media shows us everyone's branded highlight reel. At lunch that day, he watched a woman in line at Chipotle stop, pose, take several selfies, and post one. It was not a real moment. Seeing everyone's ideal version makes us feel worse about our own messy lives. He also notes that when someone shares a hard moment online, many people comment that they are praying, but carrying someone's burden means actually reaching out and being present. He worries that younger generations have learned this fake version of connection, so the church has to be intentional about teaching a better way.Pastor Chris believes social media sells the illusion that we can be connected without the risk of being rejected. As he puts it, "we buy into an idea that we can have relationship without risk." He compares technology to a hammer. Tools augment who we are, so they also amplify our brokenness. What used to be a few people bullying someone in high school can now be a hundred people.
The Markers of Real Relationship
Pastor Anthony adds that social media is not only low risk but also low cost, which is why it has little payoff. So he asks what the true markers of a real relationship are.Pastor Matthew says risk and cost. Real relationship requires vulnerability, offering who you really are and hoping the other person accepts you. Cassie knows Pastor Chris better than anyone because of years of risk and vulnerability. Pastor Matthew shares that during a recent difficult season, he opened up to the elders about the ugliness of what was going on in his mind and heart, something he does not do in most settings. On the other side, accepting someone means committing to them, for good or bad.Pastor Chris adds trust. Because we are broken people, we will hurt the people we love most. He has to trust that Cassie will meet his failures with forgiveness, and she has to trust that he will repent. He believes many relationships fall apart because people expect someone else to make them feel whole all the time. Real intimacy takes time, forgiveness, trust, and hard work.Pastor Anthony summarizes it as being able to love and receive love without the mask. He points to Genesis 2, where Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. It was about more than physical nakedness. There was nothing hidden and no fear. Today, he says, many people fear showing their naked soul to others.Pastor Matthew adds that real relationship requires proximity and intentional, ongoing connection. Since Pastor Anthony moved away, their friendship has changed. The love is the same, but the dynamic is different. He believes the digital world has convinced us that texting is enough, but we need to see each other, hear each other's voices, and be close.
What Keeps Us Apart
If nearly everyone wants relationships, Pastor Matthew asks, why are so many people not experiencing them? Pastor Chris says it is fear of being exposed. We live guarded and avoid the work intimacy requires. He shares that the thing he needs most is often the place he does not want to go. To overcome anxiety, he has to face it, and to have healthy relationships, we have to risk being vulnerable, whatever the cost.Pastor Anthony names busyness and laziness. Our schedules leave no margin to simply enjoy other people. In his experience as a millennial, many people talk about community but are unwilling to make the effort, sometimes scheduling a hangout months out. He admits that at the end of a busy week, he often just wants to go home and relax too.Pastor Matthew adds distraction. On a date a couple of years ago with Pastor Mary at PF Chang's at Easton, the lights were dimmed, and nearly every table glowed because both people were looking at their phones. We miss social cues and what is happening in people's lives. Pastor Chris says we have to relearn how to connect, and Pastor Matthew adds that we have to teach a new generation how to do it. He has counseled engaged couples who resolved every conflict by text and never considered that they would need to talk face to face once they were married.
What the Church Offers
Pastor Chris notes that many people try to ease loneliness by joining a club or a gym. What can the church offer that those groups cannot?Pastor Matthew says the church can tell people how they were designed. Being made for relationship is in our DNA. The church can also handle brokenness properly, both exposing it and offering true hope through restoration with God. He says God points out our brokenness to heal us, not to shame us. When connect groups are working well, people share what is broken and are met with understanding and prayer. At a core members gathering the night before, a couple told him how their group shared honestly about their struggles and were met with love and prayer. The world often wants us to hide our brokenness or deal with it alone, but the church is a body, and when one part suffers, all suffer.Pastor Anthony says the church's very existence is an advantage. Our society has few third spaces where people can simply find community. Coffee shops are full of people in their own world, so many people go to bars to be known as regulars. The church is a place open to the public where people can come and explore. He mentions the old debate over believe, belong, and behave. He believes the order is belong, believe, behave. People come, experience love and community, see the good news of Jesus in our words and actions, come to believe, and the behavior follows.Pastor Chris clarifies that finding community at a gym or book club is not bad, only incomplete. His family built great relationships at a CrossFit gym. But the church sits at the center, shaping us so we can bring that light to the other places we go.
Intention, Invitation, Investment, Interruption
Pastor Matthew pivots to Sunday's message, where Pastor Mary described relational evangelism with four words, intention, invitation, investment, and interruption. Which one stood out?Pastor Chris says interruption convicted him most. Other people's needs often come at the worst possible time and cost us our plans. Yet the purpose of our lives is to connect with God and with each other. He is asking God to reshape how he sees needs that do not fit into his day.Pastor Matthew says interruption hit him too, because it is the reason he is often not intentional. He knows relationships will cost time, energy, and money, and sometimes he feels he has no bandwidth. Pastor Mary had asked him to look over her notes, and when he reached that point, he told her it hit hard. Since the message, as he has slowed down, he has realized how many people he loves do not know Jesus, even though he works in a Christian environment.Pastor Anthony chooses intentionality. When we have a choice, we often pick what brings us the most pleasure or the least resistance. Yet the greatest commandment sums up our lives as loving God and loving people. If we got up each day knowing God has placed hurting people around us to love in word and deed, it would change everything. The invitations and the investment would follow.
Practical Steps Toward Healthy Relationships
To close, Pastor Matthew asks what hinders relationships and what helps. Pastor Chris says some people are so hungry for relationship that they go from zero to ten instantly. One coffee turns into texts all day, and the other person pulls back. He encourages people to learn the process, let the other person lead, and accept that not every relationship will be a ten. He cannot sustain with everyone what he has with Cassie. He also recommends following up after a meaningful conversation with a simple thank you.Pastor Anthony speaks to the other side. Some friendships feel close but are never reciprocated, with one person always reaching out and making plans. If God has placed someone in your life who invests in you, or someone you could bless and point to Jesus, be proactive and not just reactive.Pastor Matthew shares two practical tips. First, ask questions and follow-up questions. His mom was his youth director, and she taught students everything from table settings to conversation, tossing tennis balls to show that one-word answers kill a conversation, and so does talking only about yourself. He contrasts people at church who only talk about themselves with people like Jim Kirk, who seeks him out every week, asks about his life, and talks sports with him. Second, read body language. If sarcasm or jokes are not landing, dial it down.Finally, Pastor Matthew encourages listeners to initiate. As a pastor and a boss, people rarely initiate with him, so friends who do mean a great deal. If you want relationships, he says, keep a healthy pace, put energy toward them, and watch them grow.
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